Dear Kat,
I am having a holiday dinner party at my home in a few weeks for several of my friends at work. We do a lot of partying together. Due to my small apartment, I am limited to 10 guests. I am running into a huge problem: When I began inviting guests, a few of my friends (one of whom is my boss) asked me for the guest list, and then asked me to play matchmaker. They want me to invite "so-and-so," if I wouldn't mind. Most of my friends are single and several of them apparently see this as a chance to hit on a particular guy or woman at a small party where they can really do some serious "getting to know you." I am highly offended that so many of them have the guts to ask me to set up my party as a dating service for them. On the other hand, these are good friends, and I have to work with them on a daily basis. I don't want to offend them. Additionally, I owe several people paybacks for parties. If I invite the lovelorn, and the paybacks, that leaves no room for the people I really like. Since this will be a group from work, do you think I should be politically correct and fix up my desperate and dateless work buddies, as well as invite paybacks? Or, should I simply invite the people I want, and let the political chips fall where they may?
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Dear Nikki,
You have answered your own question. I say, invite the people you really like and delight in entertaining the friends you feel most comfortable with. You don't owe an explanation to anyone, work friends or not. Unless you are running for political office, or you are using this party as a career stepping stone n which it doesn't sound like you are n your party belongs to you, not them. You may get some sour looks at the office on Monday. Oh well! You can't please everyone, and they can just get over it, which they will, quicker than you think. If they don't, they aren't your friends, anyway.
In your mind, you must separate your work life from your social life when it comes to this party. You don't owe anything to anyone at work. As a matter of fact, I am not a big proponent of socializing with the people from work. It is healthier to have most of your friends separate from the office n people with whom you can relax and not worry about repercussions on Monday morning. My advice is for you to begin to look for friendships outside of work, and leave work-related parties for the office.
I am constantly amazed at the lack of good manners in our society. Whatever happened to a simple "Thank you, I would love to come. What can I bring?" Or, "I'm so sorry, I'm busy that evening." I think it is inordinately rude to ask you to use your party as a personal dating service. Asking to know who is coming is equally as impolite. What does that say to you, the hostess? It says that this guest will grace you with his/her presence only if the appropriate people are there to please him/her. I say that you strike that guest from your list, and replace him/her with someone who unabashedly wants to attend for the fun of the evening.
My rule of thumb: socialize with people from work as little as possible. If you have developed one or two close friends at the office, by all means invite them to a party of outside office friends. However, having a dinner party for office mates only is a set up for disaster, let alone a miserable evening for you , not to mention an awkward Monday morning.
Kat Krauss, MSW, is a Tucson-based sales presentation strategist and therapist for business relationships all over the country. If you would like your issue discussed here, please send your questions to kat@katkrauss.com.
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