To set the scene:

Me: On the phone to one of our business credit card issuers, on hold.

Them: Raspy hold music cuts in and out so much I can only speculate they’ve worn the oxide off the tape in some spots. Eleven minutes (not bad, considering the industry average) later:

Me: "Hello. Who do I speak to in order to get a lower interest rate on our credit card?"

Them: "We have to fax you the forms. Fill them out, fax them back and we’ll call you."

Me: "Um. OK."

Three minutes later, the forms show up on our fax machine. You’d think this bodes well for efficiency. Not. Arrival of the faxed documents was the ONLY moment in this entire process that exceeded customer service expectations.

Now, 20 minutes later, I have the forms filled out and faxed back.

(Brief but necessary digression: This is an ellipsis: ... It is an instrument of English punctuation used to indicate the omission of a word or phrase necessary for complete syntactical construction, but not necessary for understanding.) Day one ... Day 14.

Them: "Is this Mr. Collier?

Me: "Speaking."

We launch and complete the last-four-digits identity dance of Oh yeah? Prove it.

Them: "How can we help you?"

Me: "Did you get the fax about lowering the interest rate on our credit card?"

Them: "What’s the card number please, so I can pull up your record."

Me: "Um. Isn’t that why I keyed in all 16 digits followed by the pound sign?"

Them: "Oh, we don’t see any of that."

Me: <reads all 16 digits, wondering to myself how to speak a # sign.>

Them: "One moment while I review your account.

Me: "One of our other credit card issuers has given us an interest rate that is eight full points lower than yours. Will you at least match it?"

Them: "I’m still reviewing your account."

Me: "We’ve never been late or over limit, though we sometimes carry a small balance."

Them: "Mmmm. I see you’re a guarantor on this card."

Me: "Yep. Been on it ever since we opened it 12 years ago."

Them: "Well, you don’t need to be. We don’t require a personal guarantee for a nonprofit organization any more."

Me: "Good! Take me off."

Them: "One moment please. I need to check with my supervisor."

Me: "Uh. OK. I’ll be here."

<Hold music. Ominous hold music this time. >

Them: "We apologize for the wait. Is there anything else we can do for you?"

Me: "Else? You haven’t done anything for me yet. Can you lower the interest rate on this card?"

Them: "We don’t require a personal guarantee any more."

Me: "You said that. That’s great. What about the lower interest rate?"

Them: "You can seek that when you reapply."

Me: "Reapply?"

Them: "We don’t require a personal guarantee any more. You’ll have to reapply and see what interest rate you get, if you are approved."

Me: "Excuse me? If? This current card doesn’t expire for three more years. All I’m asking for is a lower interest rate."

Them: "We can fax you the reapplication paperwork and we can handle it right now. You’ll need three signatures from your board of directors."

Me: "Well, no. I don’t think so right now."

Them: "Thank you for calling. Is there anything more we can do for you?